Taking His Name

Why, in 2013, does getting married mean giving up the most basic marker of your identity?" asks Jill Filipovic in the Guardian today. "And if family unity is so important, why don't men ever change their names?"

A name change can be a powerful move if you're renaming yourself in a way that gives you more agency — maybe you want to change your gender presentation, or maybe you just hate the name your parents chose for you back when you had no say in the matter. But studies show that more than 90% of women still change their names when they get married and 50% of Americans think you should be legally required to take your husband's name. Isn't it 2013? Filipovic writes:

That is fundamentally why I oppose changing your name (and why I look forward to the wider legalization of same-sex marriage, which in addition to just being good and right, will challenge the idea that there are naturally different roles for men and women within the marital unit). Identities matter, and the words we put on things are part of how we make them real. There's a power in naming that feminists and social justice activists have long highlighted. Putting a word to the most obvious social dynamics is the first step toward ending inequality. Words like "sexism" and "racism" make clear that different treatment based on sex or race is something other than the natural state of things; the invention of the term "Ms" shed light on the fact that men simply existed in the world while women were identified based on their marital status.

Your name is your identity. The term for you is what situates you in the world. The cultural assumption that women will change their names upon marriage – the assumption that we'll even think about it, and be in a position where we make a "choice" of whether to keep our names or take our husbands' – cannot be without consequence. Part of how our brains function and make sense of a vast and confusing universe is by naming and categorizing. When women see our names as temporary or not really ours, and when we understand that part of being a woman is subsuming your own identity into our husband's, that impacts our perception of ourselves and our role in the world. It lessens the belief that our existence is valuable unto itself, and that as individuals we are already whole. It disassociates us from ourselves, and feeds into a female understanding of self as relational – we are not simply who we are, we are defined by our role as someone's wife or mother or daughter or sister.

My mom kept her last name and never fails to roll her eyes whenever she's addressed as Mrs. Baker. Her last name is actually part of my full name, on my birth certificate (which is Kaitlin Jennifer Molly Lackman Baker, because my parents are insane), so it wouldn't completely fade away when she and her sister got married. I never even considered the possibility of being a stay-at-home mom because my mother worked full-time, and that's probably why I never even considered the possibility of changing my last name under any circumstances, either. It's always bothered me that some women feel getting married necessitates giving that part of yourself up; it seems so archaic.

But perhaps I'm particularly attached to my name because it's my byline, my professional identity. I don't think it's anti-feminist to change your name for your partner, but I'd like to move past the (incredibly heteronormative) assumptions that of course the woman should change her last name, of course the kids should take the man's surname, and of course a woman is a shitty wife if she's not willing to alter the way she's thought of herself throughout her entire life.
(http://jezebel.com/5989279/why-do-most-women-still-take-their-husbands-last-name)


After reading the above article I don't feel bad, for taking my time on changing my name. I have had people come for me, because I didn't jump to lose my last name. Taking someone's name is deep, you are taking apart of yourself away. And yes you can get it back if anything goes wrong with your marriage, but after everything you may have went through, why do through it. So I guess before running out to change your name, make sure your 100% sure you want to make that move.
 
 

She's too young

I am 23 years old, married and working on having a little family of my own, one day. I was with my now husband for about 5-6 months before he asked me to marry him. We had a year and a half long engagement, and was married on August 18/2012.
So if I have done the math right,  I was 20 years old and engaged and was married about 6 after my 22nd birthday.
The day I told my mom and sister about being engaged, they seemed to be happy. Some of my friends were down and others not so much. But the biggest question that people asked was "Are You Ready?". Now I know for sure everyone is asked this question, but I also know when you're younger... That question means so much more.
Right after my 21st birthday, I started to plan more and more. Mr.Reid and I started marriage counseling with my uncle/pastor. Working overtime to pay for this and that. Anyway, one day a friend of the family came up to me and asked me "was I ready to be someone's wife?". I told her "yes" and then she hit me with a conversation from no were.
She told me she had been married young and it didn't workout. That she only married him because, she didn't think it took as much work as it did. She went on and said, " you're only 21, and you have so much life to live. You have no idea how to be someone's wife. With y'all being young, the road to failing is closer than you two think." At that point I was done talking to her because I didn't want to hear the negative things she was saying. Fast forward to now. Mr.Reid will be 27 this September and it seems like people still are on that question.
So now I think I can answer this question without any problems.
It is people in this world that have gotten married and had children all before the age of 20. And has made it to see 30-40+ year of marriage. Some places in the world the age of marriage is 10years of age. It is no right or wrong way to be a husband or wife. For one it up to that couple, the rules of that relationship and the way they want to love each other. If being young and not having money was going to really mess up a marriage, someone should have a talk with the 30 and over people, who are on marriage number 2 or 3. Talk to all the rich people in the world who can't seem to get it right. Hell Kim.K has money and was over the age of 30 and only made it 72 day or something like that. I guess that put holes all in your idea.
People have to understand that people, relationships,and marriages are all very different. Some people have open relationships and marriages( it isn't for me, but who am I to tell them, they aren't going to work.)
I know it's doctors out here who study, young marriages and say 'She is too Young' but are you God? Can you see the future? No! I didn't think so. So who are they to tell me or anyone else for that matter,  they will not last because they don't love like you think they should.
So for all my 20 somethings if you're in love and want to get married, go to marriage counseling to make sure you this is what you want and go for it. No one else is in the relationship or marriage, go be happy.

How to tell your the other Man or Woman

1) He/She Leaves The Room To Use The Phone:
 A red flag that far too many men and women let slide. If they walk away from you every time ‘Sarah’ or 'Rob' calls…he or she just might go with Sarah or Rob. And they probably don’t go with you.

2) You Don’t Know His or Her Loved Ones:
  The “other man or woman” may get to hang out with some of a man or woman's friends, but they probably won’t get introduced to his or her whole crew (especially not his or her friends) or his/her parents. Friends who may be loyal to the boyfriend /girlfriend,  or are known for being gossipy won’t get the introduction either. And if you have met family, you were not granted a formal introduction (i.e. running into his/her sister at a party or if a cousin comes by his or her house) You are just a friend.

3) You don't see them on the weekdays:
If you're man or woman can't see you Monday-Friday at normal times (9-5) that's your sign. They can't see you because they are with the one they love. Now if they do see you during business times, the boyfriend or girlfriend maybe out of town or they are on the out's at the time.

4)You have never been to their home:
If you have been with this person for more than 8 months and you have never been to that persons home.. That's a red flag all by it's self. They can't take you home because it's already someone there, that you don't need to know.

5) You can't see them on Special Occasions:
They make big plans for their birthday
and talk about all of the plans and when the big day comes, they say "oh I called it off and I'm going to be with my mom and dad today". Or a Superbowl party with friends, and you don't get a invitation. 

It's a lot of other signs, I could bring up but this is the top 5... And it maybe a part two. Look out for red flags in your relationship